Fear, Its always Fear

Don't you hate how afraid we are?

No, not of the dark.
And no, not of heights.
And no, not even of spiders.

I mean of... well, everything.

Every little thing we do, we're always afraid. We don't always notice it, but we are. We watch our words, afraid of offending someone or saying something that might cause someone's opinion of us to change, even if only by a tiny little bit. We're constantly biting our tongues to keep from saying the wrong thing, the wrong words.

We’re always walking on our tiptoes, watching our thoughts, and biting our tongues.

We’re scared.
We’re always scared.

Scared to say or do the wrong thing.
Scared of rejection.
Scared of offending someone.
Scared of letting someone see the real you.

Aren't we taught to grow up and overcome our fears? Don't they, our teachers, parents, and relatives, teach us to not be scared? Then why are we stuck in this state of constant fear? It's hypocritical, too. They teach us that we shouldn't be afraid, that we should see the light past our fears, and all the while they're sitting there in the corner, shaking in their boots over saying something wrong, not living up to expectations, or screwing up.

I think that's the biggest fear of all, screwing up.

But "screwing up" covers so much. There's so much we can screw up. We can screw up something as minor as a quiz and as major as someone's life. But I think we're all afraid of simply appearing as a screw up in the eyes of someone we hold near and dear. Losing respect, we always fear. We want respect nearly as much as we want love.

Love.

God, that's another big fear isn't it?

The fear of losing love.
The fear of falling in love.
The fear of never finding love.

There's always something to fear in the game of love. Am I doing something wrong? What if they don't like me? What's wrong with me? I wonder if they do like me? I hate being alone. Will I always be alone? I don't want to be like this, alone, forever. I couldn't take that. I can't take this. I'll never find love, I know it. Maybe love isn't meant for me. I'm just another helpless case…

Once we learn the word and notion of love, isn't it practically always in our mind somewhere? In some manner or another, I mean? And from that notion stems all of these fears that multiply every day…

… or maybe that's just me…

Anyway, I hate how afraid we all are.

We bottle up so much. So many feelings are hidden and kept secret forever, swept under a rug in our minds and left there for eternity. The honest words are usually the ones swooshed away to save us from screwing up, and the false words always tend to prevail.

It's sad, isn't it?

Shouldn't it be the other way around?

I think it should.

I'm not scared enough to keep from saying that.

~~The Sometimes Brave Pixie

New blog.

Every One.

I would like to introduce my newest friend.

Paper Dresses.

My new blog. Dont worry i will continue writing this blog as well, but i strongly encourage checking out my other blog, I post daily, so there is always something to follow.

here is the link.

www.paperdresses.blogspot.com

enjoy

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~~PMP

Brilliant.

I just came home from watching "Julie and Julia" and do you know what I realized?

This blog sucks.

I mean really, who wants to read this? When have I written about anything anyone (besides my friends and family) would want to read?

Have you guys read "Cake Wrecks" its hilarious! Which is why I have decided to write about something.

After all, here I am, expecting all of you to care what I had for breakfast. Well no more.

You heard me. From now on I'll write about something relevant.

Something with interest.

Something like...

...

...

ok, I admit. That's as far as I got.

But I promise, as soon as I think of something, I'll write about it.

How hard can it be to think of something. Im sure there are plenty of things I have interest in which I could write about.


Ladies and Gentlemen, it is times like these which I realize, I am kinda pathetic.

Wait a minute, I've got it! All I had to do was glance over my shoulder, and there it is.

The glorious, messy pile of fashion magazines, sitting on the bench near my desk.

Teen Vogue. Seventeen. Elle. Fashion Illustrated.

Starting today, I will write a new blog. Following my pursuit of amazing fashion.

Well, it seems i have to go make a new blog.

till next time.
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~~Inspired Pixie

Boring alert!

Friday already?

well, you guys were lucky, this week, i have so many things I could talk about!

unfortunately, in the last hour i have become a little depressed, and I'm not in the mood to tell all my hilarious encounters.

you see today was the last day of an acting workshop I took during July. this was my second year attending, and my last.

And well, I feel almost like I'm leaving something behind.

As I walked through the subway station to head home, i just had this overwhelming feeling of regret. The thing is, I don't know why yet.

So i feel confused, and a little depressed, all at the same time.

FML.

(Sorry that this post is so boring, but i needed at least one post this week, and I would have posted earlier but the performance took over my life a bit)

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~~Boring Pixie

Regrets

I dont want to go out today.

I just want to sit in my room and sulk.

And yet here I am, putting on my make-up, getting ready to face the world.
You know, I never really thought about why I wear make-up, every day.

Why I won't leave the house without.

then I realized, I'm not putting on make-up. I'm putting on a face. Becoming someone else.
someone confident, someone without any regrets.

And god, do I regrets.

I regret rushing into everything, and making assumptions, and never thinking anything over until its too late.

I regret hurting the people who care, and helping the people who don't.

And most of all, I hate that I can never do anything about it.



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~~Dissapointed Pixie

excuses, excuses

ok, ok I know you guys hate me for not blogging last Friday, but i have an excuse!

I did blog, on Monday!....but then i deleted it because It was mean and the people i was talking about read my blog, therefore, not a good idea to blog about them.

hehe :P

so here is my slightly late blog post!

sorry that I'll be a little late with my blogs right now, my life is being taken over by the musical I am in right now.

seriously, I go to bed at 9, almost every night!

well, that's all I had to say, farewell!

until next week (or Friday)
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~~ profound pixie

a promise is a promise

you know how I said that I would ALWAYS post once a week? well a promise is a promise, here is your weekly post!

But I would like to clarify one thing, Although I promised to post something, I did not say it would be any good!

ABSOLUTELY nothing of interest has occured as of yet, so I have virtually nothing to talk about.

but never the less, here is my post.

ehem.

"I hate bugs"

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~~Predict Me Pixie

twitter

That's right, I caved.

I officially have a twitter account.
yes, i am ashamed. yes, i am in fact a little dead inside. and yes, I am addicted.

It is useful for getting news on my favourite bands and stuff , since I have yet to get any of my friend's accounts.

and...oh my god. I'm like a talking twitter commercial or something O.o

kill me!!

oh, and here is a link!
http://twitter.com/PredictMePixie

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~~Corrupted Pixie

confession

Confessing is hard. Sometimes, things happen that weren't supposed to. Sometimes, things just get out of hand, and it becomes hard to stop it.

Well, I did manage to end my problem. And let me tell you, it hurts like hell.

You see, In English class we were working on our poetry unit. and I LOVE poetry. Our teacher wanted us to write a poem in class, and usually I have no problem with this, but for some reason, I couldn't think. So i took a song that was in my head and made some stupid changes, and voila . a poem.

The thing is everyone loved it. My teacher made me submit it into our school literary magazine, he was offering extra marks, so I said yes.

Well, the magazine was entered into some contest, we didn't win but the magazine which our school magazine was submitted to loved my poem to.
So they asked to use it in their next issue of their magazine.

That's when things got out of hand. Because, I really wanted to say yes!

you know, just because I wanted to feel special. who doesn't?

But i kept thinking, what if someone finds out? what if they know it wasn't mine?

so i told the magazine fine, use my poem, but let it stay anonymous. I thought, if I did that, no one would know.

Then I told my mom that i was planning to submit it anonymously, and she said I shouldn't because I would be missing out on alot of opportunities.

So i asked my dad. and he said "well, was it original?"

and that's all it took.

I confessed, and told him everything.

And it was really hard, because it makes you feel incredibly worthless. then i had to go, and email back the magazine that I wouldn't let them use the poem. And I just felt so stupid. And I hate it.

But whats worse?
I submitted 8 other poems into the magazine, poems that were mine, that I was so proud of. And they didn't care.

The only way any one will ever look at my poems, is if they aren't even my own.

It just shows, I am worthless.
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~~Pixie

Golden Circle

Today's rant is about the "Golden Circle" yeah, you heard me.

Every school or workplace has them. That group of people that everyone loves. well, everyone that matters.
Such as Teachers and Employers, important, influential people.

The exact people that fall into the :golden Circles" trap.

You see, these golden people will always get what they want, simple because they are popular. Despite possible lack of skill and talent.

These people are the ones stealing opportunities away from people who deserve them. They are loved, so they get the job, or grade.

For example I was at my brothers graduation. Guess who won every award? That's right, those sickening golden group. Those5 people who all the teachers love.

I doesn't matter who is more talented or skillful, its ALL about charisma.

and who did the music for the assembly? the student who is actually going to music school? no. The one guy who has delusioned the entire school into believing he has talent. (which must be why he is going to Western to study Sciences)

I for one, absolutely hate these stupid golden people.

Because of them, no matter how hard I work, no matter how talented I am, I can never get a lead role in a play, or become the head of a club. I will ALWAYS be in the background, behind these stupid, egotistical golden circle.

Well, I would rant more (and I probably will in "Golden Circle Part II" which we all know is coming, But it IS almost 1:00 a.m. so I will go to bed now.

Tchuss!
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~~Pissed off Pixie

NEW POLICY!!!

OK, I have a new blogging policy(hopefully)!

I will, (hopefully) without fail, post at least ONE blog a week.....I hope, so check my blog every Friday from now on, and there will be at least ONE weekly (hopefully) post!!!!!!!!!!!

if I do not post, I promise, I will have a VERY valid explanation (hopefully).
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~~ Hopefull Policy Pixie

Let it Out

This is hard. I hate It.

Its like...the world stopped spinning, and its to heavy for me to push it back into orbit.

Like, I have no control over anything.

I hate it.

I feel completely helpless, because all I can do to help anyone is smile, and hope it will all be alright.

I'm sorry im so incredibly unspecific, I would rather not get into details, its just... one of those moment that you have to get your feeling out, and writing them down is my only way. And it sucks.

And i have so much to say, but i cant put any of it into words. And that of course just gets me more frustrated.

Oh, thats the emotion. frustration, thats what I feel.

Frustration over being helpless, and being pushed aside, and having to allow it because I dont know any other way to be.

And now i just got myself more annoyed.

God, this sucks. What the hell do I do?

I'm trying my hardest to be perfect for everyone, but I dont know any other way to make things better. Somebody help me.

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~~ frustrated pixie

Worlds Shortest Blog Post #2

I failed my exam....T_T


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~~Predict Me Pixie

Intolerance II

Well, this has gotten on my nerves more and more! I mean, what the f*** does sexuality have to do with anything???

I mean...besides, you know, sexual stuff!

but why does everything come down to it? The world is filled with well hidden homophobes. everywhere!

and for the love of god! I sick of it!

Ill give you an example, it happened all of, two minutes ago.

I was watching a video of Bill Kaulitz (singer from tokio hotel, whom I ADORE) dancing out of boredom.

I was excited because it was cute so i made my dad watch it. And what was his immediate response?

"He is Gay, right?"


what the hell? why does dancing out of boredom make you gay?

ok, admitedly, he probably is. But still, what does it matter?
gay or straight, a person is a person!

and yet, that is the first thing anyone cares about!

and half the time, its not even justified!

i mean, so what if a guy wears eyeliner, or paints their nails, I mean if girls can dress like guys, then guys should be allowed to dress like girls!

Who are we to judge? as long as it looks good, what the problem?

and serisouly, I know plenty of guys who can pull of eye shadow better than most girls I know!

I'm just pissed that this seems to be the focus of everyones attention, always the first thing you judge about a person.

And i have to say, in a world like that, its no wonder so many people wont 'come out of the closet'. I know I probably wouldnt.

anyways......I dont know much else to say in my little rant.
well, comment please! You know I luv 'em!
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~~ Predict me Pixie

Left Out?

Have you ever felt embarrassed? like, really embarrassed....well, maybe embarrassed isn't quite the right word. awkward maybe? no, not quite...just out of place, as if, you don't belong at all.

I mean, of course, i have never really belonged, but, to not belong in your own house? surrounded by your own family?

My sister, well, she has always been quiet, well, at least when in front of people, and my brother, well hes kinda awkward (not in a bad way, a really really cute way). My father, now HE is awkward, he just cant stand silence, he doesn't understand the meaning of a comfortable silence, at all! and my mom, who sadly, cant express any emotion successfully other than disappointment and cynicism.

Every dinner time, since i was two, has been quiet, and fast. this is what we called our "family time". Some family time! we rarely spoke to each other, if someone tried to talk, it either resulted in some sort of argument, caused by some stupid misunderstanding, or nothing!
really, nothing! we walked in, ate, and left!

It has been like that as long as i can remember!

There was one time, that i invited my friend over for dinner, it was so quiet at the table, i was embarrassed, i couldn't wait to get me and my friend away. Those times with my friends, those were the only times i noticed the quiet. Other than that, it was just, family respecting family.

Soon i became quiet myself, well in public at least. I was a total pushover. I idolized my friends who could stand up for themselves, people who could talk, and have others listen. I knew that i would never be like that.

well, until i made it into high school. I made new friends, friends who are equals! These new friends actually let me talk, they listened! suddenly, i started to really notice the quiet. I hated not being able to talk like I had with my friends!

Just like, say, a person was kept in a box their whole life. The box is all they ever knew, they would never question the box. Until one day someone takes away the box, suddenly they can see the whole world! and now, they will never return to the box!

and what will happen if that person is stuck back inside? They will feel trapped! claustrophobic!
yup, that's me!

I'm stuck in a tiny box, only allowed out, seven hours a day for school. Then i am stuffed back in the box.

I haven't had a friends over for dinner since i was 12. hell, sometimes i wish i didn't have to come for dinner. I LOVE the days that i can just eat whenever i feel, when my family is out and I'm in charge. the days that my friends can come over, just to hang. where we can all order pizza. Where we can all talk as loud as we want and no one cares!

I wish someone understood that. It seems no one does.
Am I totally alone here? really?
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~~ Mournful Pixie