Left Out?

Have you ever felt embarrassed? like, really embarrassed....well, maybe embarrassed isn't quite the right word. awkward maybe? no, not quite...just out of place, as if, you don't belong at all.

I mean, of course, i have never really belonged, but, to not belong in your own house? surrounded by your own family?

My sister, well, she has always been quiet, well, at least when in front of people, and my brother, well hes kinda awkward (not in a bad way, a really really cute way). My father, now HE is awkward, he just cant stand silence, he doesn't understand the meaning of a comfortable silence, at all! and my mom, who sadly, cant express any emotion successfully other than disappointment and cynicism.

Every dinner time, since i was two, has been quiet, and fast. this is what we called our "family time". Some family time! we rarely spoke to each other, if someone tried to talk, it either resulted in some sort of argument, caused by some stupid misunderstanding, or nothing!
really, nothing! we walked in, ate, and left!

It has been like that as long as i can remember!

There was one time, that i invited my friend over for dinner, it was so quiet at the table, i was embarrassed, i couldn't wait to get me and my friend away. Those times with my friends, those were the only times i noticed the quiet. Other than that, it was just, family respecting family.

Soon i became quiet myself, well in public at least. I was a total pushover. I idolized my friends who could stand up for themselves, people who could talk, and have others listen. I knew that i would never be like that.

well, until i made it into high school. I made new friends, friends who are equals! These new friends actually let me talk, they listened! suddenly, i started to really notice the quiet. I hated not being able to talk like I had with my friends!

Just like, say, a person was kept in a box their whole life. The box is all they ever knew, they would never question the box. Until one day someone takes away the box, suddenly they can see the whole world! and now, they will never return to the box!

and what will happen if that person is stuck back inside? They will feel trapped! claustrophobic!
yup, that's me!

I'm stuck in a tiny box, only allowed out, seven hours a day for school. Then i am stuffed back in the box.

I haven't had a friends over for dinner since i was 12. hell, sometimes i wish i didn't have to come for dinner. I LOVE the days that i can just eat whenever i feel, when my family is out and I'm in charge. the days that my friends can come over, just to hang. where we can all order pizza. Where we can all talk as loud as we want and no one cares!

I wish someone understood that. It seems no one does.
Am I totally alone here? really?
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~~ Mournful Pixie