Last Night...

Last night I ended up crying myself to sleep.
I lied down with the intention of just falling straight to sleep because I was so exhausted, but I ended up rolling over in my restless sleep and before I could even make out the glowing digits on my clock, these tears started welling in my eyes beyond my control.

I guess my whole rant yesterday about the PDA and couples being everywhere finally got to me unconsciously.
I guess my whole reason for hating to see all those public displays of affection is because I can’t display any myself. Sometimes I’m completely all right with being single and then there’re other times, like last night, when I want to curl into a ball and cry in my own self-misery.

There are times when I just feel so incredibly alone that all I long for is a pair of arms to wrap around me. Or when I just want someone to hold me and tell me that life’s going to be okay, and I mean someone other than my own mother.

But it’s weird.
I tell myself not to worry so fucking much, I mean, I’m only a teenager. I have time to deal with love and all the glorious things that go with it; I shouldn't be worrying like this!
I shouldn't be crying myself to sleep because I’m afraid I won’t ever get the chance to experience real love like I see out on the streets, or the type of love I see old couples sharing. Seriously, I want to cry when I see an older couple, where they’re both, like, in their 80s and they’re still so in love. It’s crazy! Think how long they’ve been together; think how much they’ve gone through with one another; think how many fights they’ve had, but think how many times they’ve made up and gotten through the tough times.

I want a love like that, a true, real love that’s so deep that we’ll be together until we’re old cripples in a nursing home. I want someone to grow old with, someone to help me through all the hard times and someone to laugh with me through all the good times.

If I mention this to someone like my mom, she takes the mother’s oath and assures me that I’ll find happiness later in life. She tells me that love will come to me, but when I’m older. Fuck that, it’s not always like that!
She even has the nerve to tell me not to worry, because everything will fall into place for me when I’m older.
When I’m older.

Screw that, I don’t want to wait until then.
What if it doesn’t fall into place, what if it all comes crashing down around me? I’m sure it could.

It’s not like tons of people love me now.
I have two REAL friends as it is, and that’s a near miracle. The rest of my school ignores me.
They say I’m a freak of nature all because they think I dress weird.
If kids at my own school don’t even understand me, then how are people out in the real world supposed to understand me?
How am I supposed to be reassured that one person out there in the huge world will look through the crowd, catch me, and understand me enough so that they’ll even fall in love with me?
What are my chances?

There’re like 6.6 billion people in the world, and I’m supposed to be reassured that one of those 6.6 billion people will understand me.
That really narrows it down for me, doesn’t it? I wish I could skip ahead in life, or get a sneak preview just to know if things end up well or not, and then maybe I’d be able to fall asleep at night without worrying about where I’ll be in the future.

I’m scared of what the future holds for me, in terms of love especially.

I couldn’t care less about what kind of job I’ll have, or if I’ll be living in a mansion or a shack out in the middle of the woods with no running water. I don’t care if I never have kids.
All I want to know is whose face I’ll roll over to see in bed every morning for the rest of my life.

But wishing won’t work, I know that much.
There’s no genie in a bottle, so I’m out of luck. I just… I don’t know… Am I the only one who feels like this?
And at this age? Speaking of love life shit.

please comment
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~~Hopeless Romantic

Bob--- GET A LIFE

wow, my last post was pretty angsty.....oops
I'm all better now! well mostly...

you see, there is this guy, lets call him...um....bill....no i mean...Bob! yeah Bob!

anyways, Bob is a very confusing person, because, when he talks, he ALWAYS flirts....always! and since i am so used to flirting, the first thing that popped into my head was,
"oh, he must like me"
the second thing was
"EWWWWW"
because i mean....hes Bob, and he is just soooo...Bob-like!

so i figured, oh as long as i don't lead him on or anything it will be fine! but no! he just kept flirting, so i talked to some friends, who said, that is just the way he talks, it isn't flirting....so i though, fine whatever, and went on with my life.

a week later he tries to get me to talk about my 'feelings', well that wasn't going to happen! so i tactfully changed the subject.

anyways, long story short, now he is just getting on my nerves, not to mention he has been trying to talk to me on msn (which i have ignored) over and over, and when i don't answer, he emails me, then messages me.

GET A LIFE!!!!

well that was my rant of the week......hope you enjoyed it!

(sorry Bob)
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Predict Me Pixie

Help Me!

Have you ever felt like every one was against you? i mean absolutely everyone.
even the people you thought were your friends, you BEST friends!

God i feel like crap!

Am I that horrible? that annoying?

someone tell me! i wont be mad! really!
i mean obviously i would be upset, but not at the person. If i do something that really bugs you, just tell me! ill stop! or start...depending on the problem. I'm not trying to be a bad person!

I'm not even sure what i did? what boundary did i overstep?

if i don't find out soon, i...well i dont know what will happen.
because this is too much! I'm just so depressed now, i cant even smile anymore. and I hate it, because i never like to be upset when I'm around my friends, it is unfair to them.

but i just cant help it anymore! i just cant bring myself to be happy, to smile, to joke around with my friends!

and i feel like such a baby because of it! god, someone, help me out here! before this gets worse, please!

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depressed pixie

BORED

i am bored...bored bored BORED!!!
how bored am i?
very bored!!!

yay!!!! -_-

maybe i should work......but i don't wanna.

my posts always seem better when I'm just ranting.....buuuttt Ive nothing to rant about! at all!!!
and it is killing me!!

well i could rant about how the guy sitting next to me right now (I'm in computers class) is disgusting and annoying.

or maybe how i SHOULD be working but i forgot everything i ever knew about programming.

this sucks -_-

well, i guess i should try to work
signing off!
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annoyed pixie

online lingo

So I’m taking a step back from my heartfelt rants, to address a topic I’m sure troubles hundreds, no…THOUSANDS of us each and every day.

It’s a problem that’s infecting teens around the world and it’s traveling like an epidemic, spreading from teen to teen in a matter of seconds. It’s a problem on the streets, in the schools, on television, in our homes and it’s flooding across the Internet by the millisecond.

And that problem is one that makes me wince every time I see it.

Online lingo.

You know the stuff.
It’s in every comment, on every forum, in e-mails…
Face it. It’s everywhere.

It started out small and then grew within days to spread across the entire web.
Sure, it has its advantages of being faster to type and to get your point across.

But admit it; it can get annoying as hell!

Now please, don’t lash out at me if you’re a fan of this so called new-age language. Just hear me out.

It’s one thing to use it when you’re instant messaging a friend, but it’s an entirely different matter to begin SPEAKING it like a spoken language. Yes, I’m serious. People actually do that, and I mean besides in those newer Cingular-AT&T commercials about Beth Ann and her BFF Jill.

Honest to god I walked into class the other day and these two girls were having a verbal conversation with those stupid freaking lingo words or whatever the hell you wish to call them. I guess it’s the same as text messaging lingo or what not.

But I’m being dead serious here. I walked into the classroom and they were like, “WU? NM. U? N2M. STFU! ROFL!!!”

Fine, fine, that’s perfectly fine if you’re punching that in on those midget keys of your cell phone, but really, I don’t want to hear that when I walk into a classroom. I have no freaking clue what they’re even saying (well I do now, but I didn’t then).

Ah, it just gets so annoying. Half of the time I’m reading over posts on forums and I’ll have to go and search Google for the meaning of some abbreviation I had no idea about. It’s like some people seriously think they can go and ostracize each and every vowel from a word and call it Internet lingo. Poor neglected vowels!

Just… ugh. It gets on my nerves when people overuse it because they think it’s so cool.
Well. Fine. Maybe it is and maybe I’m out of the loop, but it still sends me over the edge with near frustration. It’s annoying as hell.

So… I guess that’s all.
G2G! *gag*
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~~Aggravated Pixie

suck it up

Honestly, when are people going to learn that they shouldn’t care so much about what other people think and look like?

Some people actually think their opinion is going to influence somebody so much that they’ll change their entire look just to please them.

Well, fine, maybe some dumbass might completely change to please everyone else.
But I won’t.

I really don’t give a shit what the rest of my classmates think about the way I dress. I never have cared and I don’t know why they think that I suddenly will. It’s like they’re under the impression that if they tease and push hard enough that I’ll show up to school dressed exactly like them.

So I don’t dress like them.
Big deal, like that’s enough of a reason to stare at me with accusing eyes as if I have an arm sticking straight out of my head?
Yeah right.

But what really gets to me is how much they judge off of the way I look.
Ah, it makes me so pissed off…

And I’m not going to go into a huge rant about “don’t judge a book by its cover” because we’re all told that too often and we never learn from that anyways. No matter how much you may claim you never judge by looks, trust me, you do. Everyone does, it’s inevitable. You see someone with an abnormality directly on his or her face, something that you can’t miss, don’t lie. I know you’ll stare and take a step back.

See, you judge everyday.
Stop denying it.

But what I really hate are the lengths that some people go to based off of one look.

And some people are so… mean about it, for lack of a better word.
If you don’t dress in a way that they’re used to, suddenly you’re the punch line of every joke.
Someone mutters freak around you and the whole room erupts in laughter like that is the best damn joke they’ve ever heard.

So what if you find my clothes ridiculous and my style to be so abnormal that you can’t seem to live with it. It shouldn’t really bother you the way I dress. I’m not hurting anyone by walking around dressed the way I am. I don’t have offensive material printed on my shirts, and it’s not like my clothes reveal certain areas that shouldn’t be revealed to the public eye.

So why the hell do you even fucking care?

And why do you fucking care enough to go out of your way to point, stare, and laugh?
I’m not an open joke machine. So don’t make me the pit of every single one of your immature jokes.

Fine. If I bother you that much with my “style” then go ahead, point, laugh, stare all you want. Someday just pointing at me won’t get as much laughter as it used to. And talking about me so loudly that the whole room hears your insults, including me, isn’t going to make me come to school dressed any differently.

I assure you there is not going to be the day that I show up to school looking like everyone else.
My hair will stay the same; too different for you to deal with. My shirts will still be too differant. And my face will never change so don’t expect it to overnight.

So suck it up and deal.
A lot of people have, but I guess others are so fucking narrow minded they can’t deal with a boy wearing make-up or a girl in guy’s clothes.

Really, please, just think the next time you go to open your big mouth to taunt someone all because of the way they’re dressed. Maybe you’re too plain. Maybe you should be trying something a little bolder instead of showing up in your normal “look” everyday.
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~~Wishing For Too Much

future dilemmas

i guess everyone has this problem at one point or another. and its not unusual to be faced with such confusion at this age. of course, knowing everyone else goes through this too doesn't help!

I'm talking about having to decide my future, and you know how they say that you don't REALLY have to decide till you graduate, or even till you are in collage, well that is bull!!!!!

I'm only picking my courses for school next year, and yet I'm already faced with a huge dilemma!

well, I know for a fact that i am going into the arts when i graduate, and you would think my courses would be pretty set out, since i already know this. but the thing is 'art' is pretty broad, and i like all of it! well not all...

what i mean is, that there are two possible fields i could go into in the future, theatre acting, or graphic/web design.

the problem is, i can only take one of these two subjects: art or drama

well, right there i am forced to decide on one!great, no whichever i take in high school will dictate what i will do for the rest of my life! and whats worse? one of the courses is horrible!!!!!

i can either take art, which is a stupid worthless course, that is a total waste of time, but will get me into graphic design. or i can take drama, which is an amazing course that i love, and will get me into acting school.

now, after hearing that you would think there is no problem!

But of course here comes the BIGGEST dilemma!

I'm really not an amazing actor...as much as i love it, ill probably never be the best. And the only way to make a living off f acting is to be the best!

on the other hand, I'm pretty good at graphic design and web design. and if i studied it, I'm sure i could become pretty good, as well, i can actually make money from it!

but i still enjoy acting far more!

so, do what i love? even though I'm not very good at it.
or do what I'm capable of?

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~~frustrated pixie