Last Night...

Last night I ended up crying myself to sleep.
I lied down with the intention of just falling straight to sleep because I was so exhausted, but I ended up rolling over in my restless sleep and before I could even make out the glowing digits on my clock, these tears started welling in my eyes beyond my control.

I guess my whole rant yesterday about the PDA and couples being everywhere finally got to me unconsciously.
I guess my whole reason for hating to see all those public displays of affection is because I can’t display any myself. Sometimes I’m completely all right with being single and then there’re other times, like last night, when I want to curl into a ball and cry in my own self-misery.

There are times when I just feel so incredibly alone that all I long for is a pair of arms to wrap around me. Or when I just want someone to hold me and tell me that life’s going to be okay, and I mean someone other than my own mother.

But it’s weird.
I tell myself not to worry so fucking much, I mean, I’m only a teenager. I have time to deal with love and all the glorious things that go with it; I shouldn't be worrying like this!
I shouldn't be crying myself to sleep because I’m afraid I won’t ever get the chance to experience real love like I see out on the streets, or the type of love I see old couples sharing. Seriously, I want to cry when I see an older couple, where they’re both, like, in their 80s and they’re still so in love. It’s crazy! Think how long they’ve been together; think how much they’ve gone through with one another; think how many fights they’ve had, but think how many times they’ve made up and gotten through the tough times.

I want a love like that, a true, real love that’s so deep that we’ll be together until we’re old cripples in a nursing home. I want someone to grow old with, someone to help me through all the hard times and someone to laugh with me through all the good times.

If I mention this to someone like my mom, she takes the mother’s oath and assures me that I’ll find happiness later in life. She tells me that love will come to me, but when I’m older. Fuck that, it’s not always like that!
She even has the nerve to tell me not to worry, because everything will fall into place for me when I’m older.
When I’m older.

Screw that, I don’t want to wait until then.
What if it doesn’t fall into place, what if it all comes crashing down around me? I’m sure it could.

It’s not like tons of people love me now.
I have two REAL friends as it is, and that’s a near miracle. The rest of my school ignores me.
They say I’m a freak of nature all because they think I dress weird.
If kids at my own school don’t even understand me, then how are people out in the real world supposed to understand me?
How am I supposed to be reassured that one person out there in the huge world will look through the crowd, catch me, and understand me enough so that they’ll even fall in love with me?
What are my chances?

There’re like 6.6 billion people in the world, and I’m supposed to be reassured that one of those 6.6 billion people will understand me.
That really narrows it down for me, doesn’t it? I wish I could skip ahead in life, or get a sneak preview just to know if things end up well or not, and then maybe I’d be able to fall asleep at night without worrying about where I’ll be in the future.

I’m scared of what the future holds for me, in terms of love especially.

I couldn’t care less about what kind of job I’ll have, or if I’ll be living in a mansion or a shack out in the middle of the woods with no running water. I don’t care if I never have kids.
All I want to know is whose face I’ll roll over to see in bed every morning for the rest of my life.

But wishing won’t work, I know that much.
There’s no genie in a bottle, so I’m out of luck. I just… I don’t know… Am I the only one who feels like this?
And at this age? Speaking of love life shit.

please comment
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~~Hopeless Romantic